Hi

Ok so I'm not entirely sure where start. I'm doing this because after many nights of crying, my mom and my best friend insisted I need some sort of support group. I'm usually pretty shy and don't enjoy sharing my life, but 6 months after the Hysterosalpingogram that changed my life, I can't say I feel any better about it. In fact, I think I feel worse. I guess I'll start at the very beginning. Forgive me if I bore you. Its probably the easiest way to get me.
When I was 15 I met a guy and was certain he was the one. After only a couple of months of being together I found out I was pregnant by miscarrying. He to this day doesn't believe I was pregnant, but that's his way of coping and I can understand that.
Three years later I had a fling that resulted in another miscarriage. This time I'd known for only a short time that I was pregnant. I went back to the first guy and we eloped and were married for 5 years. No sort of contraception was used the entire time and I never became pregnant.
After my second miscarriage there was nothing I wanted more than to have a child. It got harder when my parents decided that since their fertility treatments had never succeeded they were going to adopt a baby. Something about my mom having a baby of her own when I was married and ready to start a family set me off. It didn't seem fair to me that here I was 20 and ready and she was going to have the one thing I didn't seem to be able to, a baby. Eventually my husband and I divorced and I remarried.
My current husband and I have been trying for three years now with no luck. Last year I decided it was time to see what could possibly be wrong with me. We made an appointment with the same doctor my mother had gone to for many years and he promptly started having tests run. After $200 of blood work, that insurance didn't cover and we are still paying for, we had no answers. So my doctor scheduled me for a Hysterosalpingogram. It was awkward in so many ways since I work in the hospital the test was done in and know the tech who held my hand. The first bit of dye didn't go far enough so the doctor had to do some very uncomfortable and painful things to get more dye in and get it further. Luckily the pain was worth it and we learned I have polyps almost completely blocking my fallopian tubes.
I know that I have options, but with insurance being useless and I'm not uninsured completely, I can't afford to have them removed and do ivf. I can't even find an insurance plan that covers ivf. To make matters worse, my best friend is 20 weeks pregnant after trying to get pregnant for 4 months. And sadly, she is one of those who really doesn't need a baby considering her health and that she wasn't married to the man at the time. In fact she just celebrated one year of knowing him last week. I was having a much easier time dealing with my situation until she told me she was pregnant. Seeing her sono pictures and belly pictures daily is really making things difficult.
My poor husband is having a hard time trying to understand. I tried to tell him that once you are pregnant and you are ready to be a mother, those feelings don't suddenly go away if you miscarry.Another thing making it difficult to deal is friends and coworkers who don't understand. I have one coworker who ever since we actually said "I do" has been asking me if I'm pregnant or when we are going to have a baby. I have tried explaining to her the situation, but she keeps asking.
I know that my situation could be worse and some would even think that I don't deserve a child since I can't pay off the tests I had done, but truth of the matter is, we can afford a child, we just can't afford the thousands of dollars of treatments or surgeries necessary to have one.
And that is my story. I'm pretty sure some parts made no sense at all, but I admit I feel a little better having gotten it all out. So thanks for reading through this.